To My Fellow Christians

"Come, Lord Jesus."

I think I'm starting to hate this phrase.

I get it.  It's about hope.  And I believe in hoping.  I believe in believing that one day this world will be made new.  I believe that when it happens I will be there rejoicing with my King.  I believe that everything will be good then - no pain, no suffering, no brokenness.  And I want that, really really bad.  I long for that so deeply that my soul aches.

But there's more to it than that.  Jesus's return is more than just the happy ending for Christians.  Jesus's return is also the sad ending, the terrible ending, the only ending for those who have not accepted Christ.

Do you get that?  Do you realize that, when you're begging Jesus to come back right here right now?

When He comes, it will be too late.  For every soul that has not known His love, there will be no more hope.  No more chances to meet the grace that you and I know.

That's why my soul aches.  Because this world is broken.  And I want every last person on this earth to know Him and be mended.  Begging Jesus to return so that my problems are all solved, while there are people in this world who have never even heard His name, is probably the most selfish thing I could ever do.  And it's the most selfish thing I have ever seen others do.

I know it's not intentional.  I know you want redemption in full.  I do, too.  But not yet.  I want to see God, yes.  But I want to be able to stand before Him and tell Him I did everything in my power to save His lost sheep before coming Home.  I want to know that I was out in the field for as long as He let me stay, looking, coaxing, longing for them to come Home with me.

As my Christian university sang that phrase on repeat this week, all I could do was sit down and pray:  "God, not yet.  Please, not yet.  Please let more people come to know You.  I'm sorry I don't want You yet, but please.  Don't come yet."

And I know that neither my prayers nor anyone else's can really dictate Jesus's return.  He's God.  He does what He wants.  But I strongly hope that a humble prayer, asking Him to use us well until the last possible moment, would be on our lips more often than the request for Him to just come back already.  No current suffering, whether yours or someone else's, is bigger than the suffering faced by a human who comes to the end of their life without ever having known God.

So, my friends, please stop asking Jesus to come back.

I challenge you instead to ask Him why He hasn't yet.  Ask Him how He wants to use you to bless others.  Ask Him to equip you to serve Him well until the time comes.

Heartbroken: Thoughts on Faith in a Broken World

I know it's been a long time since I've blogged here, but I'm back to process life a little bit more.

I've been thinking a lot about brokenness lately.

I'll give a little context:  I challenged myself mid-August to spend this year learning to love people better.  In the beginning, I thought it would be about mindset.  I thought it would be about intentionally loving people that I care about, and forcing myself to simply be kind to those I did not like, "for the sake of love".  Well, I was wrong.  Because along with that, I asked God to challenge me.  I asked Him to guide me and to give me opportunities.

The "problem" is, God didn't just show me how to love.  He opened my eyes to something beautiful.  A world I was already deeply in love with.  The people, the places, everything about this earth is wonderful and amazing.  But it is broken.  And now I seem to break down in despair every other day because of that brokenness.  It is so badly broken that no matter where I look, I see something terrible.  Truth does not reign, peace is not abundant, beauty is not appreciated, health and life and joy are scarce at best, and it is not okay.

I am not okay.

Because ever since I realized I was in love with creation, I realized that every single part of creation is hurting.  And I don't like it.  I want everything and everyone to be okay.  To be healthy, beautiful, wonderful, joyful . . .

We live in a broken world.  I've known this since I can remember, but now I am finally, in my heart, aware of it.  And now I waver between these two things:  Anguish - deep and terrible despair, mourning for the total depravity of man; and apathy - absolute uncaring, ultimate surrender of an irresponsible and defeated kind.

I'm a perfectionist.  I'll own that.  I'm a perfectionist.  And I want so badly to believe that anything I could possibly be a part of or have some influence on is perfect - must be perfect.  I'd like to think I have an impact on this world.  But this world is far from perfect.  So what do I do?  I walk away.  Just long enough to think I don't care any more, because perfectionists would rather give up, not try, and walk away uncaring than face the truth that they may have failed at something.  The problem is, I know I'm a failure.  That's what sin is.  I fail every day.  But God has forgiven and redeemed me - and I can't stay away, because I am a part of this world.  I see, feel, hear, know the pain and the brokenness, every single day.  I can't escape it, even when I try to.

So though I waver, I always come back to that first feeling, that despair for this broken world, our broken lives.  And I don't know what to do about it.

It seems that daily I find myself asking God to use me to fix something.  I like fixing things.  I like helping people.  Anything that would bring some form of harmony into this dark and shattered existence.  But I haven't really gotten any answers.  Daily, I ask God what he wants me to do with my life.  What the heck is a poor, young, female, Creative Writing Major in her sophomore year of college going to do to help this world?  God, what do you want from me?  Am I doing something wrong?  Is there something else I could do that is right?  Why don't I feel led to do something?  Why won't you guide me?  Why won't you use me for good?

And more importantly:  Why won't you fix what is broken?

There's a definite tension.  Because I know in my head that it's going to get a lot worse before it gets any better, and I'm waiting for that to happen so that Jesus will come.  But I also want so desperately to keep that badness from coming altogether, because then everyone I love so dearly will be protected from final judgment.  I want Jesus to come back, to make things right again, but I'm also terrified that He'll come - too soon - and there will be broken people who I could have saved, helped, drawn to loving Him.

But who am I to make those calls?

God is in control.*  And despite the pain, the brokenness, the fear, and the worry, I know He is good.  I don't understand a lot of this world, but I choose to believe that He is good.  He is the one who knows what is best, and He is the one with the power to save - not me.  Do I wish he would give me some answers?  Yes.  But I will always keep trusting Him and trying to follow His lead.

I pray that He will save those people that I cannot save.  I pray that He will use me when the time is right - or someone else if they are better suited to His use.  I pray that brokenness will be mended - at the proper time.  And I believe it will.

"This would be my comfort;
I would even exult in pain unsparing,
for I have not denied the words of the Holy One."

*I would write more about surrendering, but I don't think I could articulate it any better than this article by a friend of mine, which I was challenged and blessed to read the other day.  If you're curious (and I hope you are), I recommend that you read it as well.

Redemption Thinking

Today, a thought occurred to me.  It may be common knowledge to a lot of the people that I know, but I think it finally just clicked in my head, so I'd like to type it out so I don't forget about it.

I analyze people.  A lot.  I observe how they act and I come to conclusions, whether correct or not, about how they think and what makes them think that way.  Oftentimes, I'm right.  But that isn't always a good thing, because it leads me to judge people.  Instead of accepting a comment at face value, I analyze and judge the motives behind it, and discover or decide that a person's motives are less than pure.  And though sometimes I might be right, and I do seem to have a knack for picking out people's issues and downfalls, it is not my place to judge them.

I struggle with this.  I struggle with loving those who I see as fake, insincere, or just plain bad.  It is the part of me that naturally favors truth over love.  Why should I be kind to someone who does not merit any kindness?

Enter:  Redemption Thinking.

Today I was thinking about New Heaven and New Earth, and how they are free from sin.  That means I won't be flawed any more.  I won't have baggage dragging me down.  I won't be self-conscious or insecure, or trying to impress anyone or even face the temptation to be selfish.  It will be great!  I won't have problems any more.  And those around me won't have problems either.  We will live and work in joyful harmony.

That is pretty amazing.  That is the power of redemption.  God loved us enough to send His son to die so that we could be His heirs, and one day be free from sin.  One day.  That means that here and now there is still sin, and no one is perfect - myself included!  So I'm really not very different from the people around me that I feel tempted to judge, am I?  We are all sinners.  I know that.  So why should I be kind to someone who doesn't merit kindness?  Because none of us deserve kindness.  Not a single person on earth is that righteous on their own.

So today I learned that the only way to look at others kindly is to look through the lens of redemption (or as I now call it, Redemption Thinking).  My friends who are Christians may have sins and struggles, just like I do - but they have accepted God's grace and will one day be made new.  What place have I to judge?  They are awaiting that perfection the same way I am.  And my friends who are not Christians have sins and struggles too, but more than anything else they are in need of God's grace, so that they can one day be made new also.  Again, what place have I to judge?  Not only that, but why would I waste time judging them when I could be reaching out to show them love and compassion, and be God's tool to lead them to Him?  When I look at others through the lens of redemption, there are only two ways to see people:  Free from sin; and in need of freedom.  Why would I not be kind?


I still think there is value in the way I analyze others.  I can see where people struggle and it helps me know how to advise them and point them in better directions.  Having an idea of how someone thinks also helps me know where to be cautious in relationships, and who to trust.  That is good - healthy, even.  There is a difference, then, between observing and learning from those observations, and observing and judging.  The first can work together with Redemption Thinking, the second leaves no room for it.  So when I analyze, I must always do so with caution.

And when I interact with others, whether analyzing or not, I want to interact using Redemption Thinking.

An Apology and A Hope

Because I can't make any promises.

Well, it's been a while.  In fact, it's been almost three months since I last posted on here - almost immediately after promising a weekly posting system.  Well, I take full responsibility for that.  Obviously.  It's my blog.  I can blame my lack of writing on school, on social life, on lack of inspiration - whatever was stopping me on each individual day.  But the bottom line is that I stopped blogging, and when I did, I stopped taking the time to sit down and process my own ideas.  When I did that, I effectively lost a little bit of myself.  Not a lot, but enough that I realized I miss it, and I want it back.  I want to be my full self, and that includes writing about stuff.  Yeah, stuff.  I never quite know what I'll be writing about, but I want to keep writing.  I'm still discovering myself in a lot of ways, and I know blogging helps me to do so.  So here I am, back in the blogsphere.  Begging forgiveness for my absence (not that anyone noticed, or cared, but I'd like to think it's still worth apologizing) and presenting my current hope.

My hope is that I will get back on track with blogging this week, and continue on that track when my second semester begins next week.  I'd like to post at least once a week, like I said I would back in September.  Staying true to the original format of this blog, posts will be random and inexplicable, and cover a plethora of topics.  All I can say is, they will be me.  I present this as a hope because I prefer not to make a promise on which I cannot deliver.  I have no idea what this next chunk of my life will hold.  I can't promise that I'll always be able to post.  But I hope that I will.  I want to.

And with that, I begin the re-entering.  And bid Blogger a wonderful night.