I've been thinking a lot about brokenness lately.
I'll give a little context: I challenged myself mid-August to spend this year learning to love people better. In the beginning, I thought it would be about mindset. I thought it would be about intentionally loving people that I care about, and forcing myself to simply be kind to those I did not like, "for the sake of love". Well, I was wrong. Because along with that, I asked God to challenge me. I asked Him to guide me and to give me opportunities.
The "problem" is, God didn't just show me how to love. He opened my eyes to something beautiful. A world I was already deeply in love with. The people, the places, everything about this earth is wonderful and amazing. But it is broken. And now I seem to break down in despair every other day because of that brokenness. It is so badly broken that no matter where I look, I see something terrible. Truth does not reign, peace is not abundant, beauty is not appreciated, health and life and joy are scarce at best, and it is not okay.
I am not okay.
Because ever since I realized I was in love with creation, I realized that every single part of creation is hurting. And I don't like it. I want everything and everyone to be okay. To be healthy, beautiful, wonderful, joyful . . .
We live in a broken world. I've known this since I can remember, but now I am finally, in my heart, aware of it. And now I waver between these two things: Anguish - deep and terrible despair, mourning for the total depravity of man; and apathy - absolute uncaring, ultimate surrender of an irresponsible and defeated kind.
I'm a perfectionist. I'll own that. I'm a perfectionist. And I want so badly to believe that anything I could possibly be a part of or have some influence on is perfect - must be perfect. I'd like to think I have an impact on this world. But this world is far from perfect. So what do I do? I walk away. Just long enough to think I don't care any more, because perfectionists would rather give up, not try, and walk away uncaring than face the truth that they may have failed at something. The problem is, I know I'm a failure. That's what sin is. I fail every day. But God has forgiven and redeemed me - and I can't stay away, because I am a part of this world. I see, feel, hear, know the pain and the brokenness, every single day. I can't escape it, even when I try to.
So though I waver, I always come back to that first feeling, that despair for this broken world, our broken lives. And I don't know what to do about it.
It seems that daily I find myself asking God to use me to fix something. I like fixing things. I like helping people. Anything that would bring some form of harmony into this dark and shattered existence. But I haven't really gotten any answers. Daily, I ask God what he wants me to do with my life. What the heck is a poor, young, female, Creative Writing Major in her sophomore year of college going to do to help this world? God, what do you want from me? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something else I could do that is right? Why don't I feel led to do something? Why won't you guide me? Why won't you use me for good?
And more importantly: Why won't you fix what is broken?
There's a definite tension. Because I know in my head that it's going to get a lot worse before it gets any better, and I'm waiting for that to happen so that Jesus will come. But I also want so desperately to keep that badness from coming altogether, because then everyone I love so dearly will be protected from final judgment. I want Jesus to come back, to make things right again, but I'm also terrified that He'll come - too soon - and there will be broken people who I could have saved, helped, drawn to loving Him.
But who am I to make those calls?
God is in control.* And despite the pain, the brokenness, the fear, and the worry, I know He is good. I don't understand a lot of this world, but I choose to believe that He is good. He is the one who knows what is best, and He is the one with the power to save - not me. Do I wish he would give me some answers? Yes. But I will always keep trusting Him and trying to follow His lead.
I pray that He will save those people that I cannot save. I pray that He will use me when the time is right - or someone else if they are better suited to His use. I pray that brokenness will be mended - at the proper time. And I believe it will.
"This would be my comfort;
I would even exult in pain unsparing,
for I have not denied the words of the Holy One."
*I would write more about surrendering, but I don't think I could articulate it any better than this article by a friend of mine, which I was challenged and blessed to read the other day. If you're curious (and I hope you are), I recommend that you read it as well.
