Another rambling about college life, with a partial plot-twist. Read at your own risk.
I’m two and a half hours into my first college reading assignment, and I’m already questioning the meaning of my own life.
What.
Wait a minute. Calm down. Let me explain. Even though there really isn’t a lot of explaining to do.
I’m going to college because that’s what people do. Because that’s what my parents wanted me to do and because I didn’t really have any other post-high school plans. I’m majoring in youth ministry because bringing Truth to students is one of my passions. So is serving. So it just made sense. I don’t like the idea of traditional education. As a wise friend of mine once put it, though much more eloquently than I can capture, “I don’t want to put my life on hold for four years just to be stuck in college.” And I would add to that, “for a degree I may or may not actually need.” Because, let’s face it, my life will not be a “traditional” life. If I get married and my husband is able to support our family, then I probably won’t want to get a job anyway. And if I do, it won’t be full time. If I don’t get married, I’ll probably spend my life writing books and doing mission work. Yes, some of these college classes might be helpful in either outcome, but not at a make-it-or-break-it capacity.
Anyway, so I’m sitting on my stereotypical-college-girl fuzzy purple blanket on my top-bunk more-like-a-rock bed, reading from my hundred-dollar textbook about nothing in particular, attempting to write a response to the vague prompt in my 8-page syllabus on the castrated Macbook Pro that the college bestowed upon me at orientation . . . AND I WANT TO THROW THE BOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND WALK OUT THE DOOR AND NEVER COME BACK. (I would have said I want to throw the Mac, but that would just be a bit too cold, even considering the mutilations this poor computer had to go through) Why? Because, well, this guy said it better than I can:
“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.”
(Ecclesiastes 1:2)
The work I am doing today, the work I will do on Monday, the work I did this week, the work I’ll do next week. It’s all meaningless. Because it’s not growing me. And maybe at some point it will be beneficial, maybe it will grow me and teach me in unexpected ways. But as of right now, all I want to do is get up and go somewhere that I can actually be useful, and use the gifts God has given me to actually make a difference in this world.
Yeah, I know that’s a cliche, but it’s still my desire. I want to do something that matters. And right now, I feel like nothing I’m doing matters.
Now I’ll take a step outside of that thinking. That was my thought process last night. And by the time I finished that assignment, I felt like I had wasted three hours of my life. But the story changes a bit. Because I had to take a break for a mandatory residence hall meeting.
And then . . . my floor went on a “sneak”.
Floor sneaks basically mean going out with all the people on your floor and staying out past curfew and not getting in trouble because you went with your RA. Simple enough, right? So we all piled into a few cars and drove down the road to Applebee's, and ate appetizers and talked until about midnight. And my faith in college life was restored. I got into a discussion with two girls in particular about God’s call. I’ll spare you the details, but what I walked away with was something like this:
1. Upon being asked why I chose this college, I realized that I don’t actually know. It just sort of happened. And I could look at that in two ways: That I’m making a huge mistake, or that God is working in my life in greater ways than I know. I am choosing to look at it in the second way, because of the people I have met and the growth that I have already experienced. I know He brought me here for a reason.
2. I may not like the classes or the busy work, or the way this school presents its theology, but in all of those things, there are opportunities for me to observe and to learn - to read between the lines. I might not learn what I was put in the class to learn, but I can choose to make the best of the place I’m at and teach myself through these experiences.
3. It’s okay for me to feel like I’m wasting my life. Because in some ways, I am. We got talking about a book called Kisses from Katie and the story of the girl who gave up college, marriage, and a normal life in America in order to move to Africa and care for the people who touched her heart there. She adopted children. She made a life. She followed God’s call. And for her, that didn’t mean college. Sometimes, I feel like that’s what I should be doing. BUT, this story and the responses of the girls I sat with give me confidence in another Truth. The Truth that God uses us all in different ways, at different times, and obviously right now He wants me here. Whatever reason He has, it must be good. When the girls told me to read Kisses from Katie, and I said I would, “but after I do I’m going to want to move to Africa,” they confidently told me that they would not let me leave. I don’t think they realized how powerful that was. Their innocent faith in God’s plan gave me hope that college, after all, is not meaningless. It isn’t what I expected, and it isn’t my first choice, but it’s where God wants me. And He will keep me here for as long as He knows it is necessary.
And that’s what it all comes down to. We all experience times in our lives that are rougher, harder, more monotonous than others. And we will all wonder at some point if this is where God really wants us. We’ll ask Him outright: “Why am I here?!” because we don’t see the sense in it. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t sense. God’s plan is good, all the time. I believe that to be true. But He is God, and I am only human. Of course I don’t know everything. It would be ridiculous for me to even think that I could know everything He has planned for me. His purpose for my life is much more intricate than I can fathom. What may seem dull and wasteful to me now will likely make perfect sense a few years down the road, when I’m in a different situation, experiencing a new set of challenges. Then I might be grateful for the time that I spent here.
My prayer now has become a prayer not of discontent and pleas, but of peace and obedience. I pray that God will use me, teach me, and grow me where I am. That He will give me the patience to accept this phase of life. And that He will keep me here for as long as I need to be here, and make it clear to me when He wants me somewhere else.
I believe with all my heart that if I am in a spirit of humble obedience, then there’s no way I can stray. God will put me where He wants me to be. It is when I take matters into my own hands, believing that I know better than Him, and go off on my own to “do something meaningful” that I truly stray. Because, as I’ve said before, it is not what I’m doing that matters, but why I am doing it. I am at college because God wants me to be, and I want to obey Him. And if that’s all He’s asking of me right now, then my goal is to do it as well as I possibly can. It’s the least I can do.
No comments:
Post a Comment