Brilliant Art; Beautiful Tension

(Apologies in advance for another longish post.)


So, there is a song that speaks to my heart.  Deeply.

Actually, there are a lot of songs that do that.  I like music.  It’s something I thrive on and often identify with on numerous levels.  Some music speaks to my place in life, some to my views on life, some to my views on my place in life, some to what my views on my place in life should be, and more (If you followed that, kudos).  I listen to a lot of different music, and I get hooked on artists pretty easily.  Right now, I’m hooked on NEEDTOBREATHE.  They’re amazing, and their music is wonderfully thought-provoking, among other things.  As you've probably guessed, I’m a lyrics person.  I can listen to almost any genre as long as it has good lyrics.  So I’d like to share with you some of my recent pondering over the lyrics of, what else?, a NEEDTOBREATHE song that happens to build and break my heart.

It’s called Streets of Gold, and it’s from the album, The Heat.  Highly recommended.  Here are the lyrics, although it would be much better if you just looked it up on YouTube and listened to it or something...

“I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
One day we'll walk upon
Streets of gold

I don't remember seeing fear in your eyes
When you were fading
The day we said our goodbyes
It's easy to say that there's a reason for this
Much harder to know
That what we say is true

Everything we hold could someday slip away

I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
And someday we'll walk upon
The streets of gold

Running through your veins was a slow-ticking clock
Counting down the days
And no one could make it stop
All of the time that it takes to figure it out
Could be the moments
That you can't live without

Everything we hold could someday slip away

I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
And someday we'll walk upon
The streets of gold

The trouble with love is that it comes to an end
I've got a feeling I'm gonna find you again
Just in a place where love can't die”


I’ll admit now that I’m not exactly sure what the writers were really thinking about when they wrote this song.  I can’t guess and I won’t try.  But I’m going to talk about what it means to me, which likely has nothing to do with what it meant to them.

To me, this song speaks of a relationship between a young man and woman, full of young love and wild dreams, being surrendered for the following of Christ’s call.  He’s saying that he’s leaving her so that she can follow Christ better, and promising that one day they will meet again after death.  He’s giving her up to pursue God, knowing that he won’t get another chance to be with her in this life.  Every word in this song resonates with me when I listen to it through that filter.  Because that’s exactly where I’m at.

I want to get married SO BAD.  I long for a husband, a leader, a partner, a teammate to do life with.  I have a dream in my head of marrying my hero, living in the country together, raising a family to love Christ, and being part of a Church body that’s passionate about loving God and serving others (that last bit is way more complicated than I make it sound, but that’s the super super simplified version.  Sort of).  That’s my dream.  But lately God has been showing me that the dreams of people don’t always come true.  He’s shown me a lot of young women who have had to sacrifice the dream of marriage to answer His call to service - in Africa, in Mexico, in Guatemala, even right at home.  He’s shown me that if I want to love Him with all my heart, I’m going to have to follow Him wherever He wants me to go.  And I’m not sure of anything, but I feel Him calling me.  Maybe to Africa, maybe to Haiti, maybe to a church right in my home state that needs reviving (I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, too).  One thing I do know, though, is that God will not give me a husband unless I have learned to set aside the husband-dream and make Him my priority.  Because God wants my whole heart, not part of it.  Part isn't enough.

A portion of the draw this song has for me is this:  In my mind, he is promising that one day they will see each other again, and things will be better then anyway.  But the unsaid truth is that things will be better because they will be out of the brokenness of the world, not because they are together.  They will be in a place where everything has been put in its rightful place - and that means God will be number one, and nothing else will matter compared to Him.  Their surrendered relationship will mean nothing, because God will be their complete and utter focus.  The promise he gives is not that they will be able to get back together, but that the loss of their relationship will mean nothing in comparison to the relationship they will have gained with God.

“I’m leavin' to let you go,” he says, explaining that if either of them hold on, then God will not be their priority like He should be.  “Someday we’ll walk upon the streets of gold,” is his reassurance that even though the leaving now is hard, it will be worth the struggle because of God.

But it’s the final lines that get me:  “The trouble with love is that it comes to an end; I've got a feeling I’m gonna find you again, just in a place where love can’t die.”  This, to me, is longing.  His longing to be with her again, believing that he will, in a place where their love can be better than it ever could have been before.  But then what about God?  He wants her love, but His is still better and greater.  And he knows that, and he’s saying that too, but the longing in this is real, and the purpose behind this line is, in my mind, twofold.  There’s the tension.

Despite my longing to have a husband and be a wife, there is a much deeper, much greater longing inside me.  It is the longing to be God’s beloved child.  It is the longing to take part in His Greater Story, which means, eventually, a place where love can’t die.  Which means perfection.  No more brokenness.  But it’s so, so easy to just think about marriage.  My earthly desire - which is good, and is healthy - overshadows my desire for God - which is when it gets messy.  When I think of those lines, I have trouble knowing if I’m thinking of the perfection of God’s presence, or the idea of being with my human love.  Earlier in the song, that struggle is pinpointed rather aptly:

“It’s easy to say that there’s a reason for this, much harder to know that what we say is true.”

Boom!  What a beautiful, terrible, tense, and amazing struggle.  What a grueling battle.  What a snapshot of reality.

It’s so, so easy for me to say that I will follow God with all my heart, and love Him more than any other person.  It’s easy for me to say I will take a year off of dating to “fall more in love with God”, to say that I want to love God most.  It’s so much harder to actually follow, to actually love Him most, to take that year and actually make it about Him.  God is number one!  Why is it so hard for me to keep Him there?

But at the same time, He made men and women for each other.  We do not feel complete without each other because, well, in a lot of ways we aren’t.  And a truly God-honoring relationship is one in which man and wife continually point each other back to Him.  Together, they reach for Him, they fall more in love with Him, they strive for Him.  For that place where love can’t die because they know that their love for each other will never be enough.  They know they need His love, and they’re reaching for that together.  I want that, so badly.

So I face the tension of my desire for a husband and my desire for God.  Both are good and healthy, to say the least, but it’s easy to distort the former.  It’s easy to make a man my god.  That’s why this song resonates with me.  Because it is my knowledge that God could make me let go of men in order to love Him most.  But it’s my hope, my prayer, that He will give me a man to pursue Him alongside.  This song is my life, and yet my death.  Dying to the idea of marriage so that I can come to life in God, all the while hoping, so deeply, that I’ll get lost in Him enough that He’ll decide to give me a husband.  But it’s not a bargaining chip.  It’s a relationship.  There’s no perfect point that I will reach in loving God that He’ll say, “okay, you love me this much, so I guess I can give you a man.”  No.  There’s only love.  He won’t let me get married until it no longer matters to me whether I do or don’t.  Until I’m so in love with Him that I really know that He is all I need.  It’s easy to say He’s all I need.  Much harder to know it as true, to really know it in my heart.

So my heart sings this song for God.  I’m not dating anyone, so it’s not like I’m breaking up with someone for this.  But the principle is similar.  My heart sings this song because it’s what I need.  He’s who I need.  And maybe one day I will believe that so deeply that I don’t even want to get married.  And right now, that thought scares me.  But that’s the point.  If I ever get there, then it won’t scare me any more.  That would be fine with me.